Bitter night

We have an expression in our language. “Have not been hungry to forget love" it means that weak economy can ruin every love!! I understand it now.

These days we have worst days in our married life. Last night he told me what I will never forget. Although we do not have big problem, we are healthy or our food or our wear is not as bad as make us unhappy, but I know my husband is bothered so much. . .

He is PhD student. He has problem with his adviser also. I know that whenever he has problem in office he would be anxious. But I was wonder why whenever he help me in house work, whenever he washes too much dishes or do cleaning, after that we would not have happy time together. last night I understand everything!!!!! Bitter reality!

Recently, he always found a way to start bickering. I t happened twice yesterday! I tried to not cry. When we arrived home he asked me to have conversation. He believes we should tell each other what we are thinking so we can be clear with each other.
He told me he is thinking I am not responsible about life. I take easy everything. Even painting which is my major is not as serious for me as it should be. He told me in my life even now I do not understand the gravity of situation!!!
Is it real. . . .?!! In my country I founded an art institute. It was successful but as every new institute it took time to earn money and in second year we left our country and came here . . . he told me even for that institute which had more than 10 employees and 100 students I was not serious . . . . Whatever!!!

I understand what he means behind all these words.

He is unhappy because I do not have job and income here. . . But my visa does not allow me to have job and he knows it better than me . . . he is unhappy because my application was not accepted for MFA. He is unhappy because all our couple friends are student both and have income twice!!! But it is not my fault. They are engineer and I am artist. . .

I am very upset. I feel humiliated . . . I have a lot of ability that no one of these people has . . .
What should I do? I am so sad . . . I do not have a close friend to speak about it at least . . . I need a shoulder to cry . . . . I am so sad . . .
Always I believe and told everybody I have best husband which is very kind and intellectual also . . . I cannot ruin it . . .

"Il Postino"and Neruda

Last night our friend invited us to his place. He lives in an "International Friendship House". I think it is memorable living with 20 people from 20 country and 20 different culture. and also it could be challenging.
My husband told me you would like if you could live here. I think if I was a little younger I may enjoy it but now I need more privacy and more quiet place. Does it mean I am getting old?

Anyway, we were invited to watch a movie. wow! it was great. "postman", was a Italian movie about a postman who delivered Pablo Neruda letters while he was exiled there. It has a beautiful heart touching story. I love it.

Is it possible?

I want to take GRE exam. Actually I HAVE to take it. I waste the time again. I just read the news about my country and I did not study. in next two hours I should prepare dinner. So, I do not think be able to study today. . . . It is boring to memorize the words which you may not use them in your life!! It seems weird that even some American do not know the meaning of some GRE words!!!!

I heard -no, I read!!- some bad news about my country. why some people should leave in such a difficult situation? why our president is such a stupid? why my country people should have these problems?!!! why I can not do any thing? Why nobody can do anything? why women should tolerate these injustice situation in my country. why I should live here far from my family? why I should study English?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it possible one day coming without any poverty and oppression?
Is it possible one day coming polar bear can go fishing without being worried about ice melting?
Is it possible one day coming every children be able to go to school, play, paint and laugh?
Is it possible . . . . .?

Why I am here?

At last I decided to set up my own secret blog. The place which I can writ whatever I want and I can be whatever I am. It seems amazing.

As English is not my mother language I know that it would be challenging for me to explain what I think entirely. Also, as it may have lot of grammatical problem or may not be written in ordinary way, it would be difficult to who reads this blog. Sorry!

Although I have my bog in my language but I rather to build up a personal space for myself because:

First: I can be hidden behind my words and nobody knows me. I am what I am thinking!

Second: I would rather to speak with international language which makes my words understandable for others, Since now every body could read it even from my country.…..

Third: I want to leave in a place which nobody knows me. It might seem suspicious! But I like it. I demand it so much!(is it same as first?!!)

To be clear, I am a good girl, or woman, or good young woman. Mostly people like me and I like most of them. But it is not my real manner. I am not happy all the times. I am not such a positive person and I do not like everybody!!! I want to nag here and I want to say I hate that person or I love that one!!

I need a place where I can easily speak about my husband, my mother, my father, my friends, whoever, without thinking about his/her/their reaction. I need a place to speak about my peoples culture or politic, without thinking about being arrested if I came back to my country.

I want to say what I think about God or religion without bothering my parents!! And God!!!! (He/she may not recognize me!!)

Also, I want to practice English!!!

So, let’s try it.